Chapter 4                   Bernice

A weird premonition enveloped me when I woke on the first workday of the New Year. Even the pleasure of Tracy snuggling her backside into the pit of my stomach didn’t ease the feeling that something bad was coming. I struggled out of bed, shaved, dressed and kissed her cheek before I left the condo. She murmured a sleepy “Love you.”

            A cold front had swept by and chilled the city. The streets glistened white with dry salt as a brisk wind drove the temperature to twenty degrees below freezing and it was still dark as people  arrived for work. “Happy New Year,” Stella called as I passed the Accounting Department and more New Years wishes echoed from behind cubicle walls. I wasn’t sure it would be a happy New Year for the company or me. I was worried but didn’t know why I felt so gloomy. It was a gut feeling.

            A little after eight the sun began to flood into my office coloring the walls in a warm amber light, a contrast to the cold blue and white outside. Stella brought my coffee and Mike followed her with a look on his face that matched my mood.

            “Sit down, Mike, how was your New Years?”

            “Okay, Nancy and I stayed home and watched the party on TV. Jesse has a cold and she didn’t want to leave him. How about you?”

            We chatted as if afraid to deal with the issue at hand. A knock on the door brought Bill Thomas, our Accountant and Office manager, followed by Jack Phillips, Engineering Manager.

            “Is Kathy here?” Kathy is the Purchasing Agent and has the files for the capacitor purchase. She slipped in and we all went into the adjacent Board Room. We usually reviewed current production and future orders at the Monday morning meeting but this morning we focused on the problem with our largest customer.

            “Any word from Jenny?” I asked without directing it to anyone in particular.

            “Not yet,” Jack replied. “She would have arrived there on Thursday and it will take her some time to dig into the situation. We will likely hear from her later today.”

            We reviewed our options and strategy. I asked Bill and Kathy to go over the contract and the purchase order in detail to determine our exposure and what, if any, redress was available. Jack described what he was doing to isolate the defective capacitors, and find a way to identify the units that might fail.

            It was close to ten when I called Tracy.

“Hi Hilton,” she said after the phone rang for what seemed too long. “I’m watching TV with my morning coffee. Carol is coming in an hour and we’re going shopping. Have you called Bernice yet?”

“I’m going to call her as soon as we hang up.” I didn’t let on how apprehensive I was. “There are lots of sales on now. Enjoy yourselves. See you after work. Love you.”

            The phone number was where Bernice worked. The computer dialing system asked me to enter her extension or call for the directory. I couldn’t recall her married name but the directory listed only one Bernice and she answered the second ring.

            “Hello Bernice, it’s Hilton.”

            “Oh Hilton.” There was a long pause. “Your voice sounds just the same. I was worried you might be out of town. How are you?”

            “I’m okay, what’s up. We were never going to talk to each other again.” I don’t know why I spoke so briskly, just nervous I guess.

            “I know. It’s been fourteen years but it’s Sylvia. She’s very sick.”

            I froze. Sylvia is our daughter and our secret. Even her husband Paul didn’t know she's not his. I hadn’t seen her since just after she was born although Bernice sent the occasional photo. She’s a lovely little girl and I would dearly have liked to share her life, but we made an agreement and that was that.

            “I can’t talk now, Hilton. Can we meet for lunch? I’m working in Bramalea. We could meet in the Tim Horton’s on the corner.”

            I hesitated only a moment before agreeing. Memories of our affair floated back and drowned out my concern for our company problem. A year before Bernice entered my life Catherine had moved into the spare bedroom. She dedicated herself to Carol and Robert and when she was diagnosed she kept it to herself.

            Bernice worked in the office. She was young and very pretty but her husband didn’t spend time with her. He was nearly ten years older and preferred golf to his bride. I took her for lunch a couple of times and soon we were arranging to get together outside work hours. It wasn’t hard to make excuses to Catherine and I felt she welcomed my absence.

            We found a motel where no questions were asked of afternoon visitors and fell in love between the thin, grey sheets. I’ll never forget the feeling. It was a high that engulfed my whole being. Just thinking of her made me horny. I was never as hard as when I was with her. Her image was in my mind even when I was with Catherine and the kids. Thinking back on it, I never experienced the magic with Catherine that I had with Bernice. I will probably never feel it again but am grateful that I experienced it once in my life.

            Our affair lasted over a year. I don’t know how we kept it a secret. I guess it wasn’t a secret in the office where the women could see how we looked at each other when we were together. It didn’t matter, but eventually Bernice told me she was pregnant. We had often talked about leaving our families and living together but for some reason never did it. Strangely it was then that Catherine told me about the cancer and that she was scheduled for a radical breast mastectomy in three days. I was shaken and felt terrible because I hadn’t taken any notice of her since Bernice came into my life.

            Bernice said that I must stay with Catherine. She would have the baby and Paul would think it was his. We agreed to end our affair and made a pact never to see each other again. It was the hardest but smartest decision we could have made.

            Catherine’s cancer spread into the lymphatic system and nothing could stop it. She died in hospital six months later; the same week that Bernice bore our daughter. Bernice quit her job to stay at home and I never saw her again.

After Catherine’s death I was utterly destroyed. I felt guilty about my wife and for Bernice and our daughter. Every day brought pangs of regret. I began to neglect my work and my children. It was Karen who saved me. Karen, beautiful Karen, my personal guardian angel. She was suffering her own marriage break-up and we nursed each other back to reality. I confided my secret to her and she respected the confidence. My kids and her kids got along famously when we were together but somehow the idea of marriage never entered my mind. I guess that’s why we drifted apart.

I was fifteen minutes late when I pulled into the parking lot at the back of the restaurant. The radio weatherman said the wind-chill was minus 35 and I felt every bitter degree as I leaned into the wind and entered the warmth, the pleasant coffee aroma and the buzz of conversation. She was sitting at a table in the corner and waved. I wouldn’t have missed her anyway; she looked just like the Bernice in my memory. The years had been kind and she was a beautiful woman, her pale blue eyes a bit more wistful than before and her long dark hair still cut in the latest style. Old feelings stirred as I hugged her and kissed her cheek.

            “You don’t look a day older than you were when I last saw you, Bernice.”

            “You look better than before,” she countered and smiled.

            I got some coffee and muffins and we sat looking at each other for several moments letting memories and feelings flood our minds. I noticed a small tear in her eye and she dabbed it with a napkin.

            “It’s been so long, Hilton, how have you been?”

            “Busy,” I said. It wasn’t the time for a history lesson.

            “Me too. We have two boys and Sylvia. There’s hockey and so many things. I’m working again, but you know that. Paul is having a tough time since his company was sold. We’re not sure what is going to happen next.”

            “You wanted to talk to me about Sylvia?”

            “Oh, Hilton, you couldn’t have known but she developed anemia two years ago. She was doing fine but now the doctors say it has become worse. They called it MDS/RA, some sort of refractory anemia and it is fatal.”

            I looked at her and her eyes teared again. I wanted to hold her and kiss away her pain but merely said, “Is there something they can do?”

            “Yes, it’s possible to reverse it with a bone marrow transplant but it's risky and they need a close match to have a chance of success. The doctor said the best matches are usually found in relatives, parents, siblings and other family members. We tested the boys and me but we’re not close enough. Paul was tested. I knew he wouldn’t be a fit but I couldn’t tell him that.”

            “What can I do?” I said stupidly.

            “Will you take the test, please, Hilton?”

            “Of course I will and I’ll get Carol and Robert tested.” I didn’t know how I could introduce the idea to them but that was for another day. “How urgent is it to find a match?”

            “The sooner the better but the disease progresses slowly. The problem is that it sometimes takes a year for full recovery after a successful transplant. They have to administer anti rejection medication until the platelets are fully functional and accepted by the body.”

            “Jesus,” I murmured. “What if we find a match in my family and Paul wonders how it could be. Did he know about us?”

            “No, I’ve never told him and he never asked. He dotes on Sylvia though and I wonder if it's natural. She's developing into a woman and I don’t like the way he looks at her.”

            “That’s a horrible thing to say. Is he abusive to you?”

            She lowered her eyes and was silent for several moments. “What should I do?”

            “I don’t know, Bernice. You could get counseling.”

            We talked for another half hour until she said she had to get back to work. She produced an envelope from her purse and slid it across the table. “All the information is in here, the doctors name and the file references. You won’t have to see me again, Hilton.”

            I walked her to her car. The wind-chill was still minus 35 but I didn’t feel it and before she got into the car we hugged a little too long and kissed a little too passionately. 

            I drove back to the office, my mind in turmoil. This was not good and getting worse. The news from China didn’t help either. They accepted no responsibility for our problem and said that they had met our specification precisely.  We were on the hook for huge back charges unless a miracle could be found. The bright day faded into darkness just like my feelings.

Chapter 5

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